Unrealistically high, low, and unclear expectations set learners up for disappointment.
Over time, unattainable expectations can chip away at self-esteem and increase stress for neurodivergent learners, who already face higher stress on average.
Learning how to find the “sweet spot” between challenging and achievable work is essential for well-being and long-term growth.
This article will explore common barriers that get in the way of setting realistic expectations, such as black-and-white thinking, perfectionism, and executive function difficulties. We will end by discussing practical strategies for families and educators to use to guide neurodivergent teens toward feeling more confident and balanced.
Click here to jump down to the TL;DR summary.
Why Realistic Expectations Matter
Setting realistic expectations is a healthy foundation for healthy self-esteem and emotional well-being in teens and adults.
Neurodivergent adolescents, including those with autism and ADHD, show elevated anxiety compared to peers; for example, a 2024 meta-analysis estimates high rates of anxiety symptoms and disorders in autistic youth (Thiele-Swift et al., 2024), and broader reviews note anxiety is one of the most prevalent comorbidities in autistic children and adolescents (BMC Psychology article). When expectations are too high or vague, they may repeatedly experience failure even when they are working their hardest. This can erode confidence and make them less likely to try the next time.
Create reasonable, clear expectations to support success. Studies link higher self-esteem to greater academic engagement, largely via self-efficacy (see Frontiers in Psychology study; PubMed record). Longitudinal evidence also supports a pathway where low self-esteem predicts later depressive symptoms, partly through hope and anxiety (Nature HSS Communications study).
Common Challenges Neurodivergent Teens Face
Neurodivergent learners often face unique challenges that can make setting and maintaining realistic expectations more difficult, especially when executive function and social-emotional skills are involved.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is another growing challenge for teens today.
Research spanning 1989–2016 suggests perfectionism in college students has risen, likely linked to social pressures being more responsible than other factors.
Surveys of young people suggest perfectionist traits are common; for example, an OxJournal survey of 16–25-year-olds found 85% of its sample endorsed perfectionist traits that caused stress. This aligns with the Curran and Hill meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin showing significant increases in perfectionism among college students from 1989 to 2016, especially socially prescribed perfectionism (PubMed record).
For neurodivergent teens, perfectionism can be especially damaging, fueling cycles of avoidance, procrastination, and anxiety when expectations are set unrealistically high. Help learners build self-compassion, accept mistakes as part of learning, and set flexible goals. These steps reduce the effects of perfectionism.
Black-and-White Thinking (All-or-Nothing Thinking)
Black-and-white, all-or-nothing evaluation is a core feature in clinical models of maladaptive perfectionism and fuels rigid “perfect or failure” standards, as described in Shafran, Cooper, and Fairburn’s clinical perfectionism paper.
These individuals often see situations as either “all good” or “all bad” without considering the gray areas that fall in between. For neurodivergent learners, this makes it harder to handle mistakes, plan changes, or situations without a single “right” answer.
Teens who struggle with this thinking trap might believe, “If I can’t do this perfectly, I shouldn’t do it at all.”
This can frustrate the learner and the adult waiting for the task to be completed. This type of thinking can result in procrastination, or delayed task initiation, another key executive functioning skill. Learning to see the middle ground and tolerate imperfection helps learners develop flexibility, resilience, and self-confidence when faced with everyday challenges.
Difficulty Estimating Time and Effort
Many neurodivergent teens struggle with estimating how long tasks will take or how much effort is needed. These difficulties can make managing time harder.
For example, a teen might plan one hour for a big project, then feel overwhelmed when it actually takes 3-4 hours. Because they underestimated the time, they might blame themselves for being “unproductive” instead of revising their time estimate.
Without support, repeated underestimation of task time is linked to late or incomplete work; ADHD studies show consistent timing deficits across perception and production (Noreika et al., review; 2024 meta-analysis), and most people also underestimate duration due to the planning fallacy. They benefit from breaking tasks into steps. Tracking how long each step takes makes expectations more realistic.
Underestimating or Overestimating Abilities
Another common challenge is inaccurately judging one’s own abilities. Some neurodivergent teens underestimate what they can do, which leads to avoiding challenges because they fear failure or assume they won’t succeed.
Both under- and over-estimation occur in neurodivergent teens: many report lower self-esteem than peers (Mazzone et al., ADHD self-esteem study), while a subset—especially in ADHD—shows a positive illusory bias and may overrate competence relative to external measures; calibrating goals with feedback helps both patterns.
Caregivers and educators can help by celebrating the small wins and providing constructive feedback that balances encouragement with gentle redirection and problem-solving.
Struggles with Self-Comparison
Self-comparison is when individuals measure themselves against others to judge how well they are doing. While it may be natural to observe peers to get an idea of progress, we all have different ways of approaching and accomplishing tasks. Neurodivergent individuals may compare reading skills, social skills, or organization to their classmates and feel “behind.”
This can create unrealistic expectations, such as trying to “catch up” without recognizing the unique strategies and accommodations that support their growth. Caregivers can support learners by encouraging them to measure progress against their own past performance rather than against others, and by helping them recognize their individual strengths.
6 Strategies for Helping Neurodivergent Teens Set Realistic Expectations
The following strategies offer practical ways for families and educators to break goals into steps, boost self-awareness, and support emotional growth.
1. Use Clear, Concise Examples
Neurodivergent learners benefit from concrete examples of what realistic expectations look like. For instance, instead of saying, “You need to finish your homework quickly,” you might say, “Let’s aim to complete two math problems in the next ten minutes.” Clear, specific goals with time limits make expectations more manageable and less overwhelming.
2. Break Goals Down into Steps
Big tasks can feel impossible without structure. Neurodivergent learners may need more explicit practice breaking down their goals into small steps. This can be done by scaffolding, such as providing a checklist or modeling how to move from “write an essay” to smaller steps such as “brainstorm ideas, create an outline, and draft one paragraph.” Smaller steps help build momentum and create more opportunities to experience success.
For more about how to do this, see our article on task analysis.
3. Practice Self-Reflection
Self-reflection helps teens monitor their progress and adjust expectations. You can practice self-reflection by journaling, regular check-ins, or having guided discussions on what can be improved. Over time, these habits build self-awareness and encourage more accurate self-assessment.
4. Normalize Trial and Error
Some learners struggle with cognitive flexibility, which makes it hard to see mistakes as learning opportunities. You can help by modeling trial and error in everyday life and pointing out how setbacks are part of growth.
There are plenty of opportunities in day-to-day life to notice when trial and error does not work and to discuss those moments explicitly. By naming and discussing these situations, you are normalizing the process while also teaching perspective-taking skills.
5. Encourage Flexibility
Realistic expectations require adaptability. Teaching your learner how to adjust goals when obstacles arise help them build resilience and problem-solving skills. For example, shifting from “I’ll do all my homework tonight” to “I’ll complete half now and finish the rest tomorrow” is one way to help your learner develop flexible expectations that allow them to realistically begin and complete tasks.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Unrealistic expectations often fuel negative self-talk. Encourage learners to treat themselves with kindness, the same way that they would treat a friend. Remind them that effort and progress matter more than perfection. Practicing self-compassion reduces the stress of unmet expectations and supports emotional well-being.
How This Can Look In Different Settings
Helping neurodivergent teens set realistic expectations is most effective when it is reinforced across different environments. Below are examples of how setting realistic expectations can be supported at home, school, and work.
At Home with Family
At home, caregivers and other immediate or extended family can model realistic expectations for themselves, siblings, and their neurodivergent learner. It’s important to use supportive language and avoid criticizing your learner if they fall short of an expectation that they had trouble achieving. In these situations, it’s always best to reinforce the effort and steps that your learner took to try to meet the expectation, rather than focusing on the outcome. When people struggle with executive functioning, they often struggle more with the process of reaching their goals than the goals themselves.
An example of naming differences in expectations could be finding out that you don’t have enough dinner left over for lunch the next day, when you did not expect to have to pack one. You might reflect by saying:
“I expected we would have enough leftovers to also have the meatloaf for lunch. But it was so good that we ate it all tonight! Now I’ll change my expectation by making a quick ham and cheese sandwich for tomorrow’s lunch instead. It’s okay that my plans did not go as expected. The sandwich will be delicious when I’m hungry tomorrow, too!”
At School with Educators
Similar to what was described at home, educators must also model realistic expectations and reinforce the process, not the outcome. Educators can model realistic expectations by explicitly naming this process at the beginning and end of each class. For example, when previewing tasks for the day, a teacher might add:
“I believe this is a realistic list for us today because we practiced these skills yesterday, and I know you’re ready to build on them.”
If all those things cannot be completed as expected, name it. For example, if you find that the class will not have as much work time as expected, you could say:
“I originally expected we would have time to start our projects today, but we needed more time to learn vocabulary words. That means it’s more realistic to expect you’ll need to finish during study hall or as homework.”
This modeling shows students that adjusting expectations is normal and does not mean failure.
At Work with Colleagues
As learners transition into jobs or internships, the workplace becomes another important place to develop realistic expectations. Supervisors and coworkers can help by modeling flexibility and communicating openly about shifting priorities. At this point in a learner’s transition, it is incredibly important that they have had support in developing self-advocacy skills so that they can communicate with others about their need for accommodations in the workplace.
Additional Resources
Executive function (EF) skills coaching through Life Skills Advocate can provide neurodivergent teens with the practical tools they need to manage unrealistic expectations. By working directly on skills like cognitive flexibility, time management, self-monitoring, and task initiation, coaches help students break down overwhelming goals into smaller steps, recognize when expectations need adjusting, and build confidence through steady progress. These strategies not only reduce frustration but also help teens take ownership of their learning and daily responsibilities.
While EF coaching can make a huge difference, it’s important to note that concerns such as perfectionism, anxiety, or depression may require additional support from licensed professionals, such as mental health therapists.
TL;DR – (Too Long; Didn’t Read)
Neurodivergent teens often face unique challenges that make setting and meeting expectations difficult. Unrealistic goals, whether too high, too vague, or too rigid, can fuel stress, lower self-esteem, and increase avoidance. Helping learners find the balance between achievable and challenging tasks is foundational for developing confidence and well-being. The following barriers can make expectations unrealistic:
- Perfectionism
- Black-and-White Thinking (Cognitive Inflexibility)
- Time Management Difficulties
- Inaccurate Self-Assessment
- Constant Self-Comparison
The good news is that with the right strategies, families, educators, and even peers can help teens set expectations that are both motivating and achievable. Breaking goals into small steps, practicing self-reflection, normalizing trial and error, encouraging flexibility, and building self-compassion all support resilience and confidence. These approaches work best when reinforced consistently at home, in school, and in work settings.
Further Reading
- Gu, Zhang, & Li (2024) – The effect of self-esteem on depressive symptoms among adolescents: the mediating roles of hope and anxiety
- Harvard Business Review (2018) – Perfectionism Is Increasing, and That’s Not Good News
- Hello Assembly (n.d.) – Self-esteem and mental health in children
- Highlands Behavioral Health System (2025) – Emotional regulation techniques for teens
- OxJournal (2022) – Striving to be the Best: The Prevalence of Perfectionism in Young People and the Impact on their Achievement and Well-Being
- Psychology Today (2024) – Managing Expectations With Neurodivergent Children
- Psychology Today (2023) – Understanding and Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking
- Zhao, Zheng, Pan, & Zhou (2021) – Self-esteem and academic engagement among adolescents: A moderated mediation model
- Life Skills Advocate (2021) – Executive Functioning Skills 101: Flexibility
- Life Skills Advocate (2020) – Executive Functioning Skills 101: The Basics of Task Initiation
- Life Skills Advocate (2020) – Executive Functioning Skills 101: The Basics of Time Management
- Life Skills Advocate (2024) – Practicing Real-World Self-Advocacy: A Guide for Neurodivergent Individuals