Asking for help is a crucial life skill that many children struggle to master. Even older teenagers are sometimes unsure of how (or unwilling) to request things. This tends to be especially true when they’re asking for things or for help from people they might not know that well, like teachers or other adults.
Children with unique learning needs often struggle with this life skill even more, which is all the more reason why it’s so important to know how to teach requests to teens.
If you’re curious about how you can help your child get “unstuck” when it comes to requesting, this article should help you out.
How to Teach Requesting to Teens: 9 Tips for Life Skills Success
As an adult, you probably know that you need to speak up if (and when) you need something. For kids, especially those with diverse learning needs, this isn’t always understood. Because of that, it’s important to teach your child how to advocate for himself.
Knowing how to request things or ask for help is just as much of an important life skill as is knowing how to budget or go grocery shopping.
Here are some tips to help you both be successful.
1. Start Young
As parents and educators, we often (wrongly) assume that our kids are too young to start teaching them to be their own advocates. We do many things for them, from forcing them to share their toys to picking out their clothes to deciding what they will eat at a restaurant.
While you might not see results right away, it is important to teach your child to speak up for himself at a young age. The earlier, the better!
2. Stay Consistent
When you first start teaching your child how to request what they need or want, you might be met with a lot of whining, mumbling, pointing, whining, or other non-word nonsense that doesn’t do much to communicate your child’s actual needs.
Don’t respond to those ill-formed requests. Instead, encourage your child to start over. They should make eye contact, stand up tall, and ask specifically for what they want. If they don’t ask for what they want specifically, don’t give it to them.
It is important that you stay consistent in this approach. If you don’t, it will take more time for your child to learn that this is the way to go about requesting what they need.
3. Teach the “When” of Asking
Just as important as how your child asks for things is the when. Effective communication only occurs when the time and place are as well-chosen as the actual words.
For example, if your child asks to go to a friend’s house for a sleepover over the weekend just as you are dropping him off at school, you might say, “Would you like to ask that question at a more appropriate time?”
That way, you aren’t dismissing the question, but instead encouraging your child to ask it in a more suitable environment. When your child is first learning to phrase these sorts of requests, you may find yourself repeating that question more than you’d like, but over time, they’ll figure out what the best timing might be.
Nobody likes to hear no. However, kids (particularly those with lower confidence levels) tend to take the rejection more personally. Have a candid conversation with your child about why he shouldn’t take rejection to heart.
Often, requests are rejected for reasons that have nothing to do with the person who is doing the requesting. A “no” can occur for many reasons, and it shouldn’t necessarily hurt someone’s feelings.
Sit down with your child and make a list of all the reasons why someone might say no to a given request. Brainstorming these “reasons for rejection” can help your child feel less personally wounded when they’re told no.
At the same time, no does mean no. While your child always has the right to ask for what they want, that doesn’t mean they should keep asking when met with a refusal. Take the no at face value and move on.
5. Change the Mindset Around Asking for Help
Too many people – not just kids – believe that needing and asking for help is a sign of weakness. As an adult, you probably know that’s not the case – but you may have to go out of your way to instill that understanding in your child.
Explain to your child that asking for help is a sign of maturity and confidence and make sure they know that they are always deserving of help and support.
6. Encourage Metacognition
One of the best things you can do as a parent is to encourage self-reflection and metacognitive skills in your child. As a parent or teacher, there is a good chance that you externally monitor your child’s progress, but it’s important to shift this responsibility as your child gets older.
Ask open-ended questions to help your child work through the process of asking for help. “When is the best time to ask this question?” “Why do you think Mrs. Smith might have said no to your request?” “What sorts of questions can you ask Mr. Thomas in class that might make algebra easier for you?”
7. Brainstorm Conversation Starters
Set your child up for success by giving them the words and phrases that work. Give him social scripts or provide social stories to show him how to go about asking for things in a relatable way.
You can also work together to brainstorm conversation starters. Students who are introverted or shy might feel anxious about initiating a conversation, especially with an adult in an authority position like a teacher.
Work with your child to come up with a list of conversation starters. If it works well for your child, you can even write these down in a notebook or the notes app on your child’s phone so that they are ready whenever they are needed.
Some good conversation starters might include:
- “I’m having trouble with ____. Can you explain it to me later?”
- “Can you give me advice about ____?”
- “I don’t understand _____. Can you help me?”
8. Buddy Up
Teachers should always encourage an environment of curiosity, openness, collaboration, and risk-taking. However, that doesn’t always happen.
This is where you might need to set your child up for success. Give them a list of people to turn to if they aren’t getting the support they need.
9. Don’t Immediately Jump In
As parents and educators, we all too often jump in to help whenever we see our child faced with any sign of a struggle.
However, it is important that you don’t immediately offer solutions. Use a coaching approach, asking questions to help your child solve problems and figure out answers for themselves rather than instantly solving the problem for them.
10. Show Them How it’s Done
We learn by doing – and by following positive examples. Teach your child how it’s done! They’ll request what they need by learning from you. Do your best to demonstrate this skill often.
Create a Secure Environment
As we mentioned before, one of the best ways to teach teens is to make sure that they feel comfortable and supported at home.
Avoid belittling or impatient behavior when your child asks for something or requests help. Although some requests may not always be timed right – seeming as though your child always asks for things at the worst possible moment! – this is a learning experience for them.
Have some patience, and give them the skills they need to be successful as their own advocates.
Further Reading
- Rebekah Pierce: Social Stories for Adolescents and Young Adults
- Amy Sippl: 25 Life Skills Every Teenager Should Know + PDF Checklist
- Rebekah Pierce: 13 Communication Exercises For Diverse Learners
- Rebekah Pierce: Why Building Communication Skills Is Key To Building Daily Living Skills
- Rebekah Pierce: Teaching Your Teen to Be Resourceful
- Rebecca Branstetter: How Parents Can Support Children With Special Needs During Distance Learning
- Gail Innis: Positive Communication is a Key Life Skill