If you are like most people with ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence, you have probably experienced shame spiraling at some point.
Shame spiraling is a downward spiral of negative self-talk that can be incredibly destructive. ADHD shame spirals occur when these negative thoughts and feelings about perceived failures become pervasive and uncontrollable, leading to heightened anxiety and depression.
We all experience shame at one point or another, but the reality is that people with ADHD are far more likely to experience it, and on a more regular basis.
It’s estimated that the average child with ADHD receives as many as 20,000 corrective or negative comments by the time they are age 10, something that can seriously damage your emotional well-being and lead to prolonged feelings of shame. Children with ADHD receive significantly more negative messages during their upbringing than their neurotypical peers, which can contribute to these feelings of shame.
So how do you cut the ADHD shame spiral short? Let’s break it down.
Click here for the TL;DR summary.
What Is The Shame Spiral Of ADHD?
Shame spiraling is the process of feeling increasingly ashamed of oneself in response to a perceived mistake or failure. It is characterized by feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and anxiety, often leading to bad feelings and negative self-talk.
Over the long term, shame spiraling can lead to social withdrawal, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. The first step in preventing shame spiraling, like any other mental health condition, is to become aware of the warning signs.
Early intervention is key to preventing the spiral from becoming unmanageable. If you find yourself ruminating on past failures or obsessing over possible future mistakes, reach out to a trusted friend or family member for support.
Talking about your feelings can help to put them into perspective and prevent them from taking over your life. Seek professional help if your shame spiral is impacting your ability to function in daily life.
With support, it is possible to break the cycle of shame and learn to accept yourself for who you are.
In this post, we’ll take a closer look.
Understanding Emotional Distress
Emotional distress is a common experience for individuals with ADHD, and it can contribute to the development of shame spirals. Emotional dysregulation, which is a hallmark of ADHD, can lead to intense feelings of anxiety, anger, and frustration. When left unmanaged, these emotions can escalate into full-blown shame spirals, characterized by negative self-talk, self-loathing, and avoidance behaviors. Recognizing the signs of emotional distress, such as irritability, mood swings, and feelings of overwhelm, is essential for preventing shame spirals and promoting emotional well-being.
The Role of Rejection Sensitivity
Rejection sensitivity is a common trait among individuals with ADHD, and it can play a significant role in the development of shame spirals. Rejection sensitivity refers to the tendency to be highly sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism, which can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and self-doubt. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is common among individuals with ADHD and can intensify these feelings of shame, making it even more challenging to break free from the cycle. By developing self-compassion and learning to reframe negative thoughts, individuals with ADHD can reduce their rejection sensitivity and build resilience against shame spirals.
Shame Spiraling And ADHD: How The Two Are Connected
Many people with ADHD are more likely to experience shame spirals for a number of reasons.
The reason is that people with ADHD, in particular, tend to have less self-compassion than those without. This is due, in part, to the higher levels of negative comments they receive. By the age of 12, children with ADHD may have received 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers, which can have a profound impact on their self-esteem and emotional health.
Another source of shame you might experience comes from the stigmatization associated with conditions like autism or ADHD. That can have an impact on your emotional state too because you’re being singled out for something you cannot change.
The good news is that there are many ways to combat shame spirals. Building self-compassion and developing a support network are two key strategies. Counseling or therapy can also be helpful in exploring the root causes of your shame and learning how to manage it in a healthy way.
The Impact of ADHD Traits
ADHD traits, such as impulsivity, inattention, and hyperactivity, can contribute to the development of shame spirals. For example, impulsive behaviors can lead to mistakes or accidents, which can trigger feelings of shame and guilt. Similarly, inattention can result in missed deadlines or forgotten appointments, leading to self-criticism and negative self-talk. By acknowledging the impact of ADHD traits on daily life, individuals with ADHD can develop strategies to manage their symptoms and reduce the risk of shame spirals.
13 Ideas For Softening The ADHD Shame Spiral
Ready to ditch the ADHD shame spiral?
Let’s face it: everyone experiences anxiety from time to time, but for people with various forms of neurodivergence, anxiety can be a constant companion. Not only does anxiety make it difficult to focus and concentrate, but it can also lead to intrusive and obsessive thoughts.
If you find yourself mentally spiraling, there are a few things you can do to regain control – and to prevent it from happening in the first place. Working with an ADHD coach can also be beneficial in navigating these challenges.
1. Recognize And Acknowledge The Feelings Of Shame For What They Are
By recognizing and acknowledging how shame feels, you can begin to take steps to break the cycle. Shame is often based on the belief that we are somehow not good enough. This can lead to feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.
It is important to remember that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and that there is no shame in having ADHD, autism, or other forms of neurodivergence. In fact, many people have gone on to lead successful and fulfilling lives.
Shame only has power over us if we allow it. So take a deep breath, acknowledge your feelings, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect – just like everyone else.
2. Connect With Others
One of the best ways to counter the shame is to connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Directly addressing feelings with others is crucial, as it helps acknowledge and validate emotions, fostering a safe environment for open dialogue. When you feel understood, it’s easier to give yourself grace and compassion.
There are many online and in-person support groups for people with ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence, like autism, so there’s sure to be one that’s a good fit for you. You don’t have to go through this journey alone – reach out and connect with others today.
3. Give Yourself A Reality Check
Shame spirals can be incredibly damaging to your self-esteem and can make it difficult to take important risks or pursue your goals. If you find yourself caught in a shame spiral, it’s important to give yourself a reality check and recognize how these thoughts can make you feel bad about yourself.
Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that your ADHD or other diagnosis does not define you. Focus on your successes and the progress you’ve made, rather than dwelling on your failures. With practice, you can learn to break the cycle of negative thinking and give yourself the compassion and understanding you deserve.
4. Recognize Your “Shame Spiral” Triggers
One of the most difficult things about living with ADHD or another form of neurodivergence is the shame that comes with it. The constant feeling that you’re not good enough, that you’re not measuring up, can be debilitating.
And once you start feeling ashamed, it’s easy to spiral downwards into a black hole of self-loathing. If you can recognize your shame triggers, however, you can start to short-circuit the shame spiral before it starts.
For some people, their trigger might be a specific event, like forgetting an important deadline at work. For others, it might be a more general feeling of being overwhelmed or out of control. Even minor things, like small mistakes or seemingly insignificant events, can trigger overwhelming feelings of anxiety and chaos.
Once you know your triggers, you can start to develop a plan for how to deal with them. That might mean keeping a detailed calendar to help you stay on track, or setting realistic goals for yourself. It might also mean seeking professional help to deal with the underlying characteristics or symptoms.
5. Practice Consistent Self Care
Practicing consistent self-care can help you to break out of the shame spiral and start living a more fulfilling life. Self-care includes activities like exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and spending time with loved ones. It also involves taking time for yourself to relax and do something you enjoy. Additionally, self-care practices such as healthy eating and maintaining a balanced lifestyle can significantly improve emotional well-being.
By taking care of yourself, you’ll feel better prepared to handle your personal challenges. In addition, you’ll be more likely to stick with your treatment plan and make progress in managing your symptoms. Self-care is about empowering people to take control of their lives.
6. Improve Your Emotional Regulation Skills
One of the most common ADHD symptoms, particularly adult ADHD, is the inability to prevent negative thoughts from overwhelming us. If you have ADHD, chances are, you suffer regularly from low self-esteem, find yourself overthinking every last detail, and use excessive self-criticism, often leading to internalized judgement.
The truth is, these are all normal. We all experience feelings of guilt when we give way to procrastination, and we all have trouble regulating our feelings from time to time.
But if you’re finding that emotional dysregulation is the norm, not the exception, it may be time to seek outside help. Working with an executive function coach can help you build your skills and get better at controlling your emotions.
7. Don’t Focus On Perfection
When we feel ashamed, we often want to hide away and pretend that the event or situation never happened.
Unfortunately, this strategy rarely works. Instead of making the shame go away, it often amplifies the negative feelings and leads to a shame spiral. Shame spirals are often triggered by perceived rejection and social isolation, which can exacerbate feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. If you’re struggling with shame, here’s one piece of advice: don’t focus on perfection.
Nobody is perfect, and trying to achieve perfection is an impossible (and often harmful) goal. When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, try to learn from it and move on.
Mistakes are part of being human, and they can actually be helpful if you use them as opportunities to grow and improve.
So next time you’re feeling ashamed, remember that you’re not alone and that making mistakes is a normal part of life. Accepting these facts will help you break out of the shame spiral and start living a more joyful life.
8. Find A Cheerleader
Shame spirals are like a wildfire. Once they start, they can be hard to stop. And if you have ADHD or some other form of neurodiversity, you might be especially prone to them. Shame spirals are a form of negative self-talk.
They happen when we liberate ourselves for our mistakes or feel like we’re not good enough. Shame spirals can cause anxiety and depression and make it difficult to focus and be productive. If you find yourself in a shame spiral, it’s important to take steps to calm yourself down.
One way to do this is to surround yourself with people who support and understand you. The person bringing up the mistake is typically aiming to repair and strengthen the relationship, rather than to cause shame or distress. This could be friends, family, or even a therapist. These people can help you see your worth and remind you that your mistakes don’t define you.
Additionally, try to avoid triggers that might send you into a shame spiral. If there’s something you’re sensitive about, try to avoid thinking about it or talking about it.
9. Surround Yourself With Calm
The best way to prevent shame spiraling is to surround yourself with calm. This means creating an environment where you feel safe and supported. Often, the ‘scary moment’ of addressing emotional challenges can trigger emotional dysregulation, making it difficult to engage constructively.
For some people, this might mean spending time with close friends or family members who understand where you are at. Others might find solace in nature, listening to calming music, or practicing meditation.
The important thing is to find what works for you and make it a regular part of your routine.
10. Plan Ahead
One way to stop shame spiraling is to plan ahead.
When you know you will be facing a situation that could trigger shame, such as an important meeting or a social event, take some time to mentally prepare yourself. Individuals with ADHD often struggle with feelings of shame arising from their repeated failures to meet expectations set by parents, teachers, and peers. Write down your positive qualities and accomplishments, and remind yourself that you are just as worthy and capable as anyone else. Practice deep breathing or visualization techniques to help calm your nerves.
And if you do start to feel shame creeping in, remind yourself of your preparedness and refuse to let the spiral take hold.
11. Go Outside
ADHD and neurodivergence aren’t just about struggling to focus in school or at work. For many people, these conditions can also be a source of shame and anxiety. Recognizing thinking differences, such as those experienced by individuals with ADHD and dyslexia, is crucial in empowering them and providing resources for improvement. Thankfully, there is one simple (and free!) way to help stop shame spiraling and ADHD: go outside.
Research shows that time in nature can help to reduce stress and anxiety, two common triggers for shame. Furthermore, being in nature can help to increase self-compassion and boost overall mood. So the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by your symptoms, step outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. You may just find that it makes all the difference.
12. Consider Therapy Or Executive Function Coaching
If you’re struggling with shame spirals, there are two key things that can help: therapy and executive function coaching. Therapy can provide you with support and guidance as you work through your feelings of shame.
Executive function coaching can help you to develop the skills that you need to overcome challenges and reach your goals. Both of these options can be incredibly helpful in breaking the cycle of shame spirals. If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. ADHD coach Jaye Lin, for example, discusses the emotional challenges faced by individuals with ADHD and offers strategies to combat negative self-talk and enhance interpersonal bonds through their podcast.
13. Building Resilience
Building resilience is essential for individuals with ADHD to manage shame spirals and promote emotional well-being. Resilience refers to the ability to bounce back from adversity, trauma, or stress, and it can be developed through practice and training. Strategies for building resilience include developing self-compassion, practicing mindfulness, and engaging in regular self-care activities. By building resilience, individuals with ADHD can reduce their vulnerability to shame spirals and develop a more positive and compassionate relationship with themselves. Additionally, seeking support from mental health professionals, such as ADHD coaches or therapists, can provide individuals with ADHD the tools and guidance they need to manage shame spirals and achieve their goals.
Final Thoughts On Shame Spiraling And ADHD
Shame spiraling can be incredibly destructive to both our personal and professional lives.
If you or someone you know is struggling with either of these conditions, please consider seeking help. There are many excellent resources available to help you get your life back on track. The most important thing is to take the first step and reach out for help.
With the right support, it is possible to overcome shame spiraling and live a happy, productive life. For more resources, consider exploring additional support materials and information to help navigate these challenges.
TL;DR Summary
Shame spirals are common for people with ADHD, triggered by frequent negative messages and emotional sensitivity.
These spirals lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and negative self-talk.
Key triggers: rejection, mistakes, emotional overwhelm, and perfectionism.
How to stop the spiral:
- Recognize shame triggers early.
- Connect with supportive people.
- Practice self-care (healthy eating, sleep, exercise, outdoor time).
- Develop emotional regulation skills.
- Accept mistakes as normal—avoid perfectionism.
- Consider therapy or executive function coaching for extra support.
Building resilience and self-compassion is essential for managing shame and improving emotional well-being.
Further Reading
- Michael Jellinek: Don’t Let ADHD Crush Children’s Self-Esteem
- American Psychological Association: Shame
- Danielle Beaton et al: Self-compassion and Perceived Criticism in Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
- Rebekah Pierce: What is ADHD Masking?
- Rebekah Pierce: 12 Tips to Take Control of Overwhelm When You Have ADHD
- Chris Hanson: Understanding the Executive Functioning Ripple Effect
- Rebekah Pierce: What is Waiting Paralysis & How to Combat It