“He won’t learn if we keep helping him.”
“We’re preparing her for the real world.”
“Toughen up!”
While often well-intentioned, statements like these reflect a narrow perspective of what independence can look like. These beliefs do not reflect the differences in development of daily living skills for neurodivergent individuals, such as those with ADHD, Autism, or other neurodevelopmental differences. In our fast-paced and productivity-driven culture, the value of interdependence is often overlooked.
This article explores how typical expectations of independence can be refined to be neurodiversity affirming. Conventional perspectives of independence will be compared to different types of supports and accommodations that help individuals develop and maintain the skills necessary to meaningfully participate in daily life.
Independence is not a fixed milestone, but a person-centered process grounded in supportive and trusting relationships. When people feel supported, they are empowered to grow, self-advocate, and take healthy risks.
Click here for the TL;DR summary.
History of the Independence Movement
The fight for independence for people with disabilities began long ago, but real change started to happen in the 1960s during the civil rights movement.
By the 1990s, institutions were finally being shut down. People began to realize that the way people with disabilities were treated was outdated and unfair. Dignity, respect, and equal rights were prioritized, resulting in the independent living movement. A sociologist named Wolf Wolfensberger helped inspire this movement by teaching that people with varying needs could live independently with the appropriate support. This challenged traditional views at the time, encouraging inclusion for people with intellectual disabilities. Although social movements have come far, there are still improvements to be made.
Comparing Independence & Support
Independence
Independence is typically believed to be the ability to do things on one’s own, without help. For the purposes of our discussion in this article, independence is defined as making decisions on your own, being the master of your destiny, and living your life in a way that meets your goals. In fact, they can (and should) coexist! Independence isn’t about doing everything alone, it’s about having the autonomy to make decisions, express personal preferences, and manage daily life in a way that aligns with one’s needs.
Independence can also look like using assistive tools such as alternative communication devices. All of these tools support a person’s agency in daily living situations and help them reach their goals. For college students, this might look like using text-to-speech to write papers or requesting a single room to manage sensory sensitivities. These supports allow learners to participate as desired in academic and social life.
Support
Support is intentional scaffolding that’s provided to develop, maintain, and navigate daily tasks. It is individualized and changes over time depending on a person’s growth and changing needs. Different types of support include coaching, counseling, and environmental accommodations (e.g., noise-cancelling headphones and visual schedules). Many people find support in their friends, family, or the professionals that they work with. For college students, support might come in the form of a mentor, a disability resource center, or a friend who walks with you to class. Developing a support network is important for navigating challenges that occur in daily life.
Adaptive Living Skills
Adaptive living skills include conceptual, social, and practical skills that are essential for daily life. These skills include communication, self-care, social interaction, money management, safety, and navigating the community. Adaptive living skills are often referred to as daily living skills because they are necessary skills for being safe and healthy as an adult.
As we age, we are expected to take on additional responsibilities like balancing a checkbook or filing taxes. Independence in these skills can look like filing taxes on your own with little support, just as it can look like calling a friend for advice on the process, paying an accountant to do the taxes for you, or getting reminders from family about the process. Everyone benefits from different levels of support while completing tasks, and can also demonstrate independence.
Developing these skills is not about meeting a rigid standard of “doing it all alone,” but about gaining the tools to navigate life in a way that works best for the individual. For example, some learners may cook all their meals without any support, while others use a meal delivery service or follow a structured meal plan with the help of a family member.
Redefining Independence
Independence cannot be defined by how quickly a learner copes without support, but by how safely and consistently a learner can explore the world. True independence emerges when a person has their needs met with empathy and respect. Independence is also best established when a person has been supported, as people thrive through connection and validation.
Redefining independence also means rethinking the way we view behavior. Labels such as “clingy,” “avoidant,” or “resistant” are often used to describe behavior that communicates sensory, emotional, or cognitive overwhelm. These behaviors are valid ways to indicate that support is needed to navigate this challenge and learn from the experience. Instead of minimizing or ignoring these signals, we can approach them with a desire to understand and learn. Supporting people in times of stress and overwhelm is the bridge to independence.
Dignity of Risk
Dignity of risk is the idea that all people have the right to take risks and make choices, even if those choices may lead to unpleasant outcomes like failure. Taking chances and experiencing both the good and the bad outcomes help us learn. For example, when a neurodivergent college student chooses to live in a dorm, they are taking on a range of responsibilities that may come with challenges: they might struggle to maintain a clean space, forget to eat balanced meals, or oversleep and miss class. While these outcomes may be frustrating in the moment, they are also valuable learning experiences that help students build resilience, problem-solving skills, and self-awareness. While safety and support are important, shielding individuals from all challenges can unintentionally undermine their growth and self-confidence. Neurodivergent individuals should be provided opportunities to make decisions, solve problems, and recover from setbacks–with support–to respect autonomy and learn to navigate discomfort.
Everyone also needs appropriate support while facing new responsibilities to support them in setbacks and congratulate them on successes. Families and educators want to help their learners make positive choices and experience success. This principle doesn’t mean totally abandoning safety; it means balancing appropriate risk-taking with support and scaffolding. With the right support, anyone can gain both confidence and competence in navigating real-life situations!
Individualized Planning
A learner’s strengths, challenges, sensory needs, communication styles, and developmental timelines will differ. A one-size-fits-all approach risks overlooking the nuanced ways in which someone may thrive or struggle. This can lead to unnecessary stress or burnout. We can best honor a person’s autonomy and neurobiology by tailoring support to their needs.
The best thing to do when determining how to balance independence and support is to ask! Every person will have different needs and expectations when it comes to being supported by the people they care about. Checking in on a person’s needs and valuing their feedback is the first step to helping others advocate for their needs and make decisions on their own.
Additional Resources
The Executive Functioning 101 Resource Hub is a free collection of tools and strategies that can be used to better understand the neurodivergent experience and learn practical strategies for building daily living skills. A wide range of resources are available for parents, educators, neurodivergent individuals, and other professionals. For example, educators may find our resource on independent functioning goals helpful when developing Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) for their learners.
If you are in need for additional support to develop daily living skills, Life Skills Advocate offers personalized coaching and support designed for neurodivergent individuals. Coaching can help you or your learner develop and maintain executive functioning, communication, and daily living skills. Coaching provides compassionate scaffolding that fosters autonomy and safety. This additional support empowers clients to gain confidence in navigating everyday challenges.
TL;DR Summary
Independence isn’t about doing everything alone. Everyone needs support sometimes, and that’s okay. For neurodivergent people, independence means choosing how and when to use support. Using helpful tools or asking for help doesn’t make you less independent. It helps you live your life your way.
Further Reading
- Access Living (2019) – Independent Living History
- Expert Community Care Management (2025) – Developing Adaptive Behavior in Individuals with IDD
- Mental Health and Developmental Disabilities National Training Center (n.d.) – Plain Language Summary: Self-Determination & Dignity of Risk
- Reframing Autism (2025) – Why “Independence” Is a Loaded Concept – and the Critical Role Dependence Plays in Wellbeing
- Tilting Futures (2024) – How To Be Independent: 7 Ways
- Life Skills Advocate (2021) – Daily Living Skills By Age: A Guide for Parents & Teachers + Developmental Chart
- Life Skills Advocate (2025) – How to Build a Support Network for Neurodivergent Individuals & Their Families
- Life Skills Advocate (2025) – How to Improve Money Management for Autistic Adults: Budgeting, Tools & Resources
- Life Skills Advocate (2024) – Practicing Real-World Self-Advocacy: A Guide for Neurodivergent Individuals
- Life Skills Advocate (2025) – 120 Independent Functioning IEP Goals to Foster Student Growth and Autonomy