Keep your cool. Don’t flip your lid. Don’t get bent out of shape. Get a grip.
Going off the deep end. Hot under the collar. Steamed up. Hit a raw nerve.
It’s not entirely clear why, but the English language has many different ways to describe emotional control—and situations where we don’t always do the best job of keeping our feelings in check. Perhaps it’s one reason we consider it one of the most important executive functioning skills you can practice with your teen.
Although many examples below mention children or teens, every strategy applies equally well to adults seeking to strengthen their emotional regulation.
What is emotional control?
Emotional control describes how we manage and respond to emotional experiences in the environment, particularly stressful ones. Sometimes known as emotional regulation, emotional control can include many different behaviors. Staying calm when frustrated, disappointed, or angry and staying relaxed when excited, nervous, or frightened. Avoiding saying or doing things that may cause harm to self or others is another way we can describe emotional control.
What Research Says
Research supports that emotional control is among the most critical skills necessary for children and teens to grow into healthy and independent adults. According to the University of North Carolina at Greensboro Center for Youth, Family, and Community Partnerships (CYFP), effectively managing emotions impacts:
- Academic achievement
- School readiness
- Mental health
- Student-teacher and parent-child relationships
- Peer-to-peer relationships
When teens and adults fail to demonstrate good emotional control and regulation, it can also cause negative impacts, including chronic stress, implications on sleep, health conditions like hypertension and digestive disorders, and mental health concerns like depression and anxiety.
Here’s what else we know about why it’s important to practice emotional control with your teen:
Emotional triggers frequently happen as a teen.
21st-century teens have busier schedules than ever, crammed with school, work, hobbies, friends, and family. It also means their schedules are also packed full of opportunities where frustration, disappointment, and challenges emotions occur. Relationships also become more complex, and the expectations for social behaviors increase in our adolescent years. Being intentional about practicing emotional regulation skills can be an essential part of helping reduce the stress and manage the emotional triggers that often happen for our teens.
Emotional control won’t just ‘happen.’ It comes from learned experience and skill-building.
While many parents and teachers take a “hope for the best” strategy for emotional control, research shows it’s better to be intentional about helping your teen build these skills. Especially for teens with unique learning needs, who may or may not need customized interventions to learn new skills, assuming that emotional control will just ‘happen over time’ puts your teen at risk for falling behind and experiencing greater stress.
We learn about emotional regulation by watching others, talking about emotions, and getting feedback from others on our behavior. It takes many more learning opportunities for some teens to learn emotional control than others. Practicing strategies to manage emotions (like the Stop, Think, Act method below) and exploring the consequences of emotions provides the practice in real-life scenarios your teen needs to be successful.
Consequences Will Only Get More Challenging
The final reason we like to offer parents and teachers for tackling emotional control is that the consequences of emotional dysregulation only get more severe as children grow older. Pushing another student might mean a trip to the principal’s office as a teen. Pushing another adult in the grocery store could mean criminal charges as an adult. Refusing to complete a task at home might mean losing access to screen time. Refusing to complete a task as an adult could mean getting fired from a job. Learning to manage emotions, avoid conflict, and avoid impulsive behavior while the consequences are less severe is critical for preventing more severe consequences later.
Using the Stop, Think, Act Method
Now that we know why it’s so essential the next question parents ask is how to teach emotional control to our teens. One evidence-based method used to teach children and teens better emotional control is the “STOP, THINK, ACT” method.
In high-stress situations, the method teaches the individual to:
STOP – First, take a pause. Take a breath. There’s no chance of demonstrating good emotional control if we’re acting on impulse.
THINK – Next, state the problem. What’s happening right now that is causing stress, upset, or frustration? What feelings—either physical or emotional—are happening as a result of this problem? Think about a solution or an alternative. What’s the best way to resolve the issue?
ACT – Try out the best plan. If you’re not sure what the best strategy is, the best action is to communicate that to someone else in the environment. Sometimes the best emotional control is to say, “I need help right now.”
Practice the Method With Your Teen
The best way for your teen to learn emotional control tools like Stop, Think, Act is to practice it outside of challenging emotional situations. Identify a time to practice and rehearse difficult situations. Have your teen practice stopping to think through solutions and rehearse actions that demonstrate positive emotional responses. Give feedback when your teen is open to it (rather than waiting to teach an emotional response when they’re already upset).
To practice emotional control, download our Tough Stuff Flashcard Deck. As mentioned above, emotional control doesn’t just happen—it takes practice. The scenarios in the Tough Stuff Flashcard Deck are all situations where your teen might struggle to control emotions. Use the flashcards to rehearse and practice how they might Stop, Think, and Act with your teen.
Stop, Think, Act Works For Parents, Educators and Coaches Also!
The research on the Stop, Think, Act method has also shown that parents, teachers, and others working with unique learners can benefit from a concrete set of steps to manage challenging situations. If you’re struggling with your teen or dealing with challenging behavior with a student, it can help complete the same steps.
STOP – Take a breath. Remember that you’re doing your best as a parent or teacher right now to help. Remember also that not every individual has the skills or tools to be successful yet. That’s why you’re working so hard to teach.
THINK – Examine the emotional state of your body and your thoughts. Are you holding tension? Is your voice volume elevated? Identify your feelings before you start thinking about a strategy to move forward. What has worked in the past? What are the options right now? Is this a teachable moment or a time to manage the behavior? Do you need help from someone else to proceed?
ACT – As quickly as possible, evaluate the options and take action. Again, it’s okay as a parent, teacher, or coach to take action by asking for help.
In some research models, the Stop, Think, Act Method also includes a “Review” stage, when after taking action, there’s dedicated time to review what went well or what you might do differently next time. As parents and teachers, incorporating time to debrief and discuss with your teen can be a valuable tool to promote success in the future.
Seeking Out Help
If you’ve reviewed some of the tools and strategies to practice emotional control skills above and aren’t quite sure where to begin, that’s okay. For many families, a boost in executive functioning skills requires an ‘all-hands-on-deck approach. If you’ve tried some of the strategies above or are concerned you may not have the support necessary to address your teen’s emotional control, consider who else might help support you and your child.
Your child’s medical care team or an experienced mental health professional can assist you in how to get started. Working with a trained professional with experience in helping teens develop and enhance executive functioning skills doesn’t mean you’re a ‘bad or ‘inadequate’ parent. It means you’re taking the best steps possible to help your child succeed.
Further Reading
- Beyond Blue – Self Regulation in Adolescence
- Life Skills Advocate Blog – Executive Functioning Skills by Age: What To Look For
- McClelland, M. M., & Tominey, S.L. (2016). Stop, think, act: Integrating self-regulation in the early childhood classroom. New York: Routledge.
- Howell, Whitney, J, (2016). “Right from the Start” – UNCG Research Magazine
- The STAR Method for Effective Decision Making
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