Imagine asking your teen to clean their room, finish their homework, and remember their after-school commitments without a single reminder. For many parents, this sounds like a difficult task, especially when your teen struggles with executive functioning skills.
EF skills help us plan, focus, and manage tasks, but these skills do not come easily to everyone. In fact, studies show that while neurotypical teens often develop these skills by their mid-20s, neurodivergent teens–such as those with ADHD or Autism–may take up to 5 years longer to fully mature in this area.
When your teen is struggling with executive functioning, suggesting coaching can feel like an uphill battle. They might not see the value, or worse, they might think it’s an admission of failure.
So, how do you talk to your teen about executive function coaching when they’re not on board? Here’s how to start that conversation with understanding and empathy.
Teens and Executive Functioning
Executive functioning is a set of mental skills that help you get things done. It includes abilities like staying organized, managing time, planning ahead, and controlling impulses. These skills are important for doing well in school and managing everyday tasks, helping you stay on track and reach your goals. For high schoolers, EF challenges can interfere with schoolwork, extracurriculars, friendships, and other daily living tasks during the day.
The prefrontal cortex, the last structure in our brains to develop, is responsible for higher-order thinking and executive functioning. This structure develops throughout adolescence and into our early 20s. Because of differences in brain structure and chemical development, teens often experience lower inhibition and stronger emotional reactions, which may affect their ability to problem-solve and make decisions that will benefit them in the future. For teens with executive dysfunction, these challenges impact daily living at home, school, and in the community, making it difficult to achieve their goals. It will be important to help your teen understand the benefits of coaching and get their buy-in in order to see the most progress.
Why Teens Might Resist Coaching
Many teens feel uncertain or hesitant about getting professional support, especially when it involves something new or unfamiliar, like coaching. There are a number of reasons why teens might be resistant to coaching–and they’re not alone! Below are some common reasons that teens may push back when you suggest coaching.
Desire for Independence
As teens navigate school, they start making important decisions that shape their future. By choosing classes and skills that interest them, they begin to form an educational identity, which eventually evolves into a professional identity as they consider career paths and opportunities after high school.
During this exploration process, teens may push back on suggestions that threaten feelings of independence and autonomy. It’s important that your learner feels that they’re involved in decision-making about coaching to get their buy-in and meet the need for autonomy.
Stigma
Learners may feel a sense of guilt or shame associated with seeking professional support, similar to seeking mental health care. There’s a misconception that seeking help is a sign of weakness. This stigma can make individuals, especially teens, worry that getting coaching will label them as “different” or “not smart enough,” leading them to resist the help they could benefit from. Adolescence is a time of self-discovery and increased social pressure, which may make teenagers more sensitive to differences in their needs compared to others their age.
Previous Unsuccessful Support
Some teens may have already tried other forms of help in the past, like tutoring, therapy, or other forms of treatment, that didn’t work out. In this case, they might feel frustrated or doubtful about the effectiveness of coaching. As a result, they may resist the idea of trying something new, worried that it will just be another disappointment.
These worries can be further exacerbated by times when a person feels their neurodivergent experience was criticized or misunderstood. LSA’s executive function coaches actively acknowledge the specific hurdles and barriers faced by neurodivergent people, as professionals with similar lived experiences.
Steps for Talking to Your Teen About Coaching
By understanding why teens resist coaching, we can learn how to talk with them about options for support more effectively. With time and understanding, they can come to see the benefits of getting support to develop their executive functioning skills.
Step 1: Understand Your Teen’s Perspective
It’s not uncommon for teens to be resistant to try coaching. A number of developmental factors and misconceptions can make the idea of coaching undesired. Developmentally, learners undergo cognitive and emotional changes during adolescence, making change even more challenging. In addition, teens are learning to be more independent and make decisions for themselves.
Teens may also fear the stigma of needing support with executive functioning skills and may feel overwhelmed or embarrassed about the things that they find difficult. Learning more about the “whys” behind your teen’s resistance is key to helping your learner feel more comfortable attempting coaching.
Step 2: Self-Education
Next, it will be important to learn more about the challenges and benefits of coaching. Just as your teen will develop self-advocacy skills during coaching, you can learn more about executive functioning to advocate for their needs at school or in the community. It would also be beneficial to learn more about neurodiversity, as this will help you see from your child’s perspective and affirm their neurological makeup.
It can take weeks of consistent participation in coaching to establish a partnership with your coach and see progress from the skills and techniques you’ve implemented.
Step 3: Address Common Objections
Your teen may express reluctance to try coaching in various ways, and by listening to their concerns, you can gain insight into what might be holding them back.
“I Don’t Need It”
This suggests your learner may need to explore their executive functioning needs in greater depth. This includes understanding how these challenges may impact their everyday functioning and ability to meet their personal goals. Learners may benefit from reflecting on ways that strengths and challenges across areas of executive functioning help or hinder their academics, daily living tasks, or social interactions.
See the “Resources” section below to learn more about two tools that can help guide this conversion with your teen.
“It Won’t Help Me”
It’s incredibly frustrating to put effort into making positive changes and not see the expected outcomes. Previous experiences with professional support can influence anyone’s willingness to seek help again. When talking with your teen, it will be important to highlight the individualized nature of executive function coaching. It may be helpful to share that a core value of LSA is that decisions and actions are driven by empathy and a desire to support the client’s needs.
“I Don’t Have Time”
Coaching is an investment in time management and efficiency. If you’re considering executive function coaching for your teen, it’s likely that there are difficulties with skills like planning and organization that make it difficult to complete tasks in a planned amount of time. When your teen learns strategies for balancing life’s demands—whether it’s school, home, or community events—they’ll find they have more time for the things they enjoy because they’ve become more efficient at handling the other tasks.
Step 4: Explore Options Together
After having an open conversation about your teen’s needs and goals, you can explore options for executive function coaching together. You can work together by exploring different coaching options, reading testimonials, and even exploring the blog to see if the topics resonate with your learner’s experiences. Encourage your learner to learn more about EF coaching by booking a 30-minute complimentary discovery session and attending the session together.
Be sure to review nine of the ways in which coaching can help support your learner, which include:
- Organize Schoolwork & Plan Ahead
- Build Resilience & Manage Emotions
- Improve Attention & Focus
- Develop Self-Advocacy Skills
- Build Self-Esteem & Self-Confidence
- Adapt to Changing Environments
It will be important to continue to involve your teen in the decision-making process to help them feel in control and invested in the outcome. Ensure that the final choice is one that both you and your learner are comfortable with and excited about.
The next step is to identify some areas that your teen can work on that would make them feel more successful. It may help to brain dump EF skills your teen does well and areas where they have experienced more difficulties. After assembling a list of thoughts and ideas, go back through the list and find commonalities and areas that your teen feels are most important to prioritize.
One way to set goals is to create a SMART goal, which is relevant to your learner’s specific personal and academic needs and time-bound, with a clear deadline for achieving the goal. The goal should also be measurable and achievable, considering your learner’s current daily living skills and schedule.
An example of a SMART goal would be, “Bobby will improve his organization by using a planner daily for one month to track assignments and deadlines.” If you pursue EF coaching, your coach will assist with this process.
Step 6: Continuous Communication
Lastly, make sure you keep an open line of communication with your teen about the support they receive and progress on their goals. Creating an environment where you and your teen share thoughts, concerns, and progress will foster a sense of trust. This will ensure your teen feels supported rather than pressured, which will help them engage in coaching.
At LSA, the coaching process includes regular check-ins to assess progress and address any setbacks. This is an opportunity for the coach, family, and learner to collaborate and work on executive functioning skills across environments.
Resources to Help Guide the Conversation with Your Teen
Below are two key resources you can use with your teen to help explore executive functioning needs and help guide the conversation about coaching.
Developmental Progression of Executive Function Skills
By the time we are teenagers (13-18), we have many experiences that have shaped our executive functioning skills. When you look at the chart below, you’ll notice that many of the areas note that teens begin to demonstrate these skills independently. For example, a teenager would developmentally be expected to start tasks, manage unpredictable changes, and plan out homework assignments and other commitments after school.
At the same time, adults expect teens to use executive functioning skills independently, so they lessen the amount of support that is typically provided to younger learners. This chart helps you and your learner identify where they fall on the development of EF skills and identify ways that they could develop more independence. Framing the conversation as a way to feel more in control may help make coaching more appealing, especially if your teen expressed interest in making more decisions on their own.
Executive Functioning Assessment
A conversation about executive function coaching can be initiated by completing the Executive Functioning Assessment. This tool asks questions about EF skills in eleven different areas, including planning, organization, and time management, that your learner may benefit from assistance with. Examining the results together and discussing real-life observations of these skills in action, can help demonstrate ways in which your learner could benefit from coaching.
TL;DR – (Too Long; Didn’t Read)
Talking to your teen about executive function coaching can be challenging, especially when they’re not initially on board with the idea. Teens often resist coaching due to a desire for independence, stigma around seeking help, or previous unsuccessful support experiences.
To effectively approach this conversation, it’s important to understand your teen’s perspective, educate yourself on executive functioning coaching, address their objections with empathy and curiosity, and explore coaching options together. Setting goals and exploring options together throughout the process can help your teen see the benefits of coaching and feel more in control of their growth and development.
It may be helpful to use resources such as the Executive Functioning Assessment and EF skill development chart to explore your teen’s needs and help them identify areas that they would like to receive help with.
Further Reading
- Huntsville Professional Counseling (2021) – Why is There a Negative Stigma Around Therapy?
- National Institute of Health (2007) – Brain Matures a Few Years Late in ADHD, But Follows Normal Pattern
- Rafferty (2024) – Teen Behavior Explained by a Neuroscientist
- Ruiz & Yabut (2024) – Autonomy and Identity: The Role of Two Developmental Tasks on Adolescent’s Wellbeing
- Life Skills Advocate – Blog
- Life Skills Advocate (2020) – Executive Function Skills By Age: What To Look For
- Life Skills Advocate – Free Executive Functioning Assessment
- Life Skills Advocate (2020) – How Brain Dumping Can Improve Executive Functioning In Diverse Learners
- Life Skills Advocate (2021) – How to Use SMART Goal Setting to Teach Executive Functioning Skills
- Life Skills Advocate (2024) – Real-Life Executive Function Coaching for High School Students
- Life Skills Advocate (2022) – What is Executive Functioning? A Comprehensive Guide