A marriage or a partnership is often a balancing act, but it can be especially challenging when one partner has executive function (EF) challenges. If your spouse or partner struggles with things like planning, organization, time management, or completing tasks, it’s important to offer support and understanding.
In this blog post, we’ve outlined four ways you can support your spouse or partner with EF challenges so that you can build a strong and healthy relationship together.
Click here to jump to the TL;DR summary.
What Challenges Do Executive Functioning Challenges Present in a Relationship?
First, it’s important to understand what we mean by “executive functioning.” The term refers to a set of mental skills that help us plan, organize, pay attention, remember details, and manage time effectively.
People with executive functioning issues may struggle with one or more of these skills, which can impact their ability to complete tasks, meet deadlines, and function independently.
Executive functioning issues can be associated with several forms of neurodivergency, including ADHD, autism, traumatic brain injury, and mental health conditions like depression or anxiety.
It’s important to keep in mind that executive functioning issues are not a measure of intelligence, motivation, or character. To learn more about how we develop EF skills, read our guide here.
When one partner in a relationship has executive functioning issues, it can lead to a variety of challenges. Here are a few examples:
- Forgetting important dates, such as birthdays or anniversaries
- Struggling to follow through on commitments, such as household chores or social engagements
- Feeling overwhelmed by schedule changes, unexpected events, or too many tasks at once
- Procrastinating on tasks until they become urgent, causing stress and anxiety for both partners
- Struggling to communicate effectively, particularly in high-pressure situations
All of these challenges can lead to frustration, anger, and resentment in the non-affected partner. However, it’s important to remember that your partner isn’t intentionally trying to cause these problems.
How to Support a Spouse or Partner With Executive Functioning Challenges
It can be difficult to know how to help our partner with EF challenges. EF difficulties can manifest in various ways, such as difficulty planning, organizing, or completing tasks. Fortunately, there are things you can do to support your partner with EF challenges.
Let’s take a closer look.
1. Educate Yourself on Your Partner’s Executive Functioning Challenges
The first step to supporting your partner with EF challenges is to educate yourself about their specific difficulties.
Reading our blog, our EF 101 Resource Hub, books and articles about EF, attending workshops, and talking to your partner’s healthcare providers can help you gain an understanding of what they’re going through.
Knowing what triggers their EF challenges, what coping mechanisms work best for them, and what they need to succeed can help you offer the right support.
2. Address Any Sensory Needs, if There Are Any
EF difficulties can sometimes be accompanied by sensory processing issues. If your partner struggles with sensory sensitivity, it’s important to create an environment that promotes their comfort.
You can create a dedicated workspace for them that is free from loud noises, clutter, or harsh lighting. Also, you can work with them to find tools and strategies that can help them cope with sensory challenges.
3. Understand What Communication Strategies Work Best for Your Partner
Effective communication is crucial in any relationship. But when your partner has EF challenges, you may need to adjust your communication style to meet their needs. Some people with EF difficulties struggle with verbal communication, while others may need more time to process information.
You can work with your partner to find out what strategies work best for them, such as breaking down complex information into smaller chunks or using visual aids to help them understand.
4. Find Outlets to Unwind Together
EF challenges can be frustrating and draining, both for the person dealing with them and their partner. It’s important to find ways to unwind together that don’t involve talking about EF challenges.
You can try activities such as going for a walk, watching a movie, or cooking a meal together. These activities can be a great way to strengthen your bond and help relieve stress.
5. Respect Their Self-Sufficiency – Don’t Parent Them
No matter how well-intentioned you are, acting like a parent or a caregiver can be insulting to your partner.
They want to be seen as capable and independent adults, and treating them like they aren’t can make them feel worse about their condition. Instead of taking over, ask them how you can help and facilitate their process with patience.
6. Have Empathy
Understand that executive function challenges are not a choice and they can lead to frustration and anxiety. Try to empathize with your partner and their situation. Let them know that you understand their struggles and that you are there to support them. Offering a kind and accepting environment to talk with you will likely help them build up their confidence.
Here’s our favorite definition of empathy, paraphrased from the book Beyond Winning by Robert H. Mnookin, and a documentary called Tactical Empathy (to be released later in 2023).
Not agreeing or necessarily even liking the other side. Regardless, understanding where they’re coming from and being able to articulate it.
Here’s a video of Chris Voss talking about empathy on the Lex Friedman podcast.
7. Seek to Understand Their Everyday Challenges
It helps to be aware of why simple tasks may cause so much stress for your partner. Instead of judging them, try to grasp their point of view.
For example, they may avoid making that work phone call because they don’t know how to structure it, so try to help them do a mock call or practice with them. With your assistance, they may learn to manage such calls on their own in no time.
8. Emphasize Their Strengths
It’s easy to get hung up on things that your partner struggles with. Instead, try to focus on what they are good at, what they enjoy doing, or where they excel.
Recognizing their strengths and celebrating them can give them some added confidence to work on their weaknesses. It also helps to remind them of their unique talents and beauties beyond this one aspect of their life.
9. Prioritize Communication
Good communication is crucial to any relationship, but it is of utmost importance when dealing with executive function challenges.
Encourage your partner to be open and honest with you. If they want help or support, try to find a way to make that happen. It’s also essential to work together and establish a routine that works for both of you. Sobriety is the basis of a successful life and relationship.
10. Be Patient
One of the most fundamental ways to support your partner with EF challenges is by being patient. Understand that what they’re facing is not a result of laziness or lack of motivation.
Rather, it’s a real medical issue that may require professional input. Approach the problem with compassion and patience rather than jumping to conclusions or making unwarranted assumptions about their abilities.
11. Collaborate on Task Management
Another way to support your partner is by collaborating on task management. To begin with, start by setting realistic expectations and establishing achievable daily goals.
Assist your partner in organizing their day-to-day tasks by preparing a simple to-do list. If your partner struggles to prioritize, help them focus by instructing them to categorize their tasks in order of importance, ranging from urgent to non-urgent.
For a step-by-step guide to weekly organization you and your partner can use for dividing up household tasks, download our .pdf “Weekly Organization Exercise” from The Real-Life Executive Functioning Workbook (coupon code LSA20 for 20% off at checkout).
12. Seek Outside Support
Supporting your partner with EF challenges may require more than patience or collaboration skills. It may necessitate seeking coaching or complementary resources like therapy or counseling to help your partner manage their symptoms. Encourage them to seek help or treatment if they’re not already doing so.
Click here to explore the differences between therapy and coaching.
13. Listen
Your partner’s feelings and perspective about their experience are essential and must be heard. It’s crucial to offer a listening ear when your partner is sharing their thoughts and feelings. Additionally, be attentive and patient to follow what they are saying without interrupting them. Both of you could even consider attending therapy together to support each other throughout the process.
14. Work Together to Find Solutions for EF Issues That Affect You
EF issues can impact your daily life as a couple in many ways. Perhaps your partner forgets to pay bills or misses appointments, which causes stress and financial strain. Or maybe they struggle to keep the house tidy, which impacts your shared living space.
Whatever the issue, the key is to work together to find solutions that work for both of you. Instead of placing blame or becoming resentful, communicate openly and compassionately about how their EF challenges affect you.
Brainstorm strategies that can help, such as using reminders or apps, outsourcing tasks, or breaking down tasks into smaller steps. When you find solutions together, you’ll feel like a team working towards a common goal.
15. Decide What You Can (and Can’t) Let Go
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your partner’s EF issues may persist. In these cases, it’s important to decide what you can and can’t control.
For example, if your partner struggles to keep the house tidy, you may need to accept that it won’t always be perfect and focus on what matters most.
Instead of nitpicking, emphasize the positive things they bring to your relationship. Maybe your partner is a great listener or provides emotional support when you need it.
By focusing on the positive, you can create a more supportive and forgiving atmosphere.
16. Set Boundaries
Living with a partner who has EF challenges can be emotionally draining. You may feel like you’re constantly trying to pick up the slack or manage their impulsive behaviors. To prevent burnout, it’s crucial to set boundaries and protect your own emotional well-being.
This could mean creating a designated space where your partner can work on tasks without distractions, creating scheduled alone time, or even going to therapy together.
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about pushing your partner away; it’s about taking care of yourself so you can be a better partner.
17. Take Care of Yourself
Supporting a partner with EF challenges can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that you also have needs and desires.
Make sure you’re taking time for self-care and pursuing hobbies or activities that bring you joy. This not only helps reduce stress and prevent burnout, but it also sends a message to your partner that you’re invested in your own well-being. When you’re happy and fulfilled, you’ll be better equipped to support your partner.
Final Thoughts
Be sure to recognize the progress your partner makes, no matter how small. Supporting someone with EF challenges can be a long journey with advanced degrees of setbacks and frustrations. Acknowledging how far they have come and highlighting their accomplishments can have a significant impact on your partner’s ability to stay motivated.
After all, being in a supportive relationship means working together to overcome challenges. Supporting your partner with executive functioning challenges is no walk in the park, but it’s not impossible either.
By following the tips outlined in this post, you can help your partner to build better habits, access valuable support, and inspire them to keep moving forward. With effort, patience, and collaboration, together, you can lay the foundation for a better future.
TL;DR – (Too Long, Didn’t Read)
This blog post discusses how to support a partner with executive function (EF) challenges in a relationship. EF refers to skills like planning, organizing, and managing time effectively.
The challenges associated with EF issues can cause difficulties in completing tasks, meeting deadlines, and communicating effectively.
There are many ways to offer support to your partner with EF challenges, including educating yourself about EF challenges, addressing sensory needs, adapting communication strategies, finding outlets to unwind together, and emphasizing strengths. It’s also important to focus on patience, seeking outside support, listening, working together to find solutions, setting boundaries, and taking care of oneself.
By following these tips, couples can build a stronger and healthier relationship while navigating the challenges of EF issues.
Further Reading
- Susan Tschudi LMFT: Survival Skills for the Non-ADHD Partner – CHADD
- Amy Ellis, Ph.D.: ADD and Intimate Relationships
- Amy Sippl: Executive Functioning Skills 101: The Basics Of Time Management
- Amy Sippl: Executive Functioning Skills 101: The Basics Of Planning